Sunday, December 14, 2008

My best friend, Rebecca -- straight -- who I have, admittedly, slept with...twice...has decided to "find me a girlfriend." She is apparently doing so by emailing me the links for her favorite "W4W" Personal Ads on Craigslist. She sent me an email with six links, each one with a little message from her underneath like "Rebounds are bad but she's pretty" and "Hope her 'no drugs' statement doesn't include pot for your sake." Below is the funniest email conversation she and I have had in a while, and I thought it was definitely entertaining enough to delight the masses. Enjoy:

My email to her:
First post: I will never date anyone who uses the word "trib", nor will I fault you for *not* knowing what it is ;)

Second post: Her drug statement *definitely* includes pot. Also, she used the expression "beat around the bush" in a W4W personals ad. Ick.

Third post: I'm not into black girls. I know, I know...beggars shouldn't be choosers, but in all honesty Aliyah is the only black girl I have ever thought was "beautiful." Also, she doesn't use apostrophes. "I'm" should never look like "Im" :( Lastly, if the girl in the picture IS her, including a photo like that in an ad where you're hoping to meet someone interested in your brains and not your brawn, turns me off.

Fourth post: Best one yet. No, I'm not into butch lesbians but she's definitely witty and I *was* entertained. Plus, including both a picture of Quazimodo and a magical Unicorn is fuckin' brilliant. The perfect amount of self-deprecating and queer.

Fifth post: You're getting better as you go along. Not sure that I want to start something with a girl who's just recently had her heart broken, but who am I kidding...I'VE just recently had my heart broken. The fact that she likes Tina Fey is a plus. And the rainbow puking rainbow puke made me laugh outloud. Then I vomited Skittles.

Sixth (final) post: I must admit, I had to read her ad twice before I found the quote from The Princess Bride, but I found it...and I think that counts for something. Also the subject title of her post is one of my favorite lines from a Beatles song in which there *are* only two lines -- the other of which is "No one will be watching us." And it's a definite plus that she judges people based on poor spelling and grammar. I don't know whether this would be considered "kismet" but I belong to a group on Facebook called "I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar." Lastly, we all know I like squishy bits.

Good job, sweetness, keep it up! ;)

Her reply:
yeah, no clue what "trib" refers to...i take it i shouldn't google it, for my own good?

My response:
I'm writing to the last three. You already know what "trib" is, you just don't know you do. You've even done it I'm sure, you just don't know you have. Now you won't be able to *resist* Googling it will you. I apologize in advance.

haha ok, you got me. damn you...googling...

oh, that's not nearly as bad as i thought it might be. but why would anyone ever put that in a post? seriously?

ha, yay, i hope they write back. can i see what they look like if they send you pics? i'm curious!

Of course you can see their pics. I will give you play-by-play details.

excellent ;)

and i will keep passing things along that i think might capture your interest. think of me as your broker...


I would prefer to think of you as my pimp if you don't mind.

you'll think of me how i say, bitch!

(like that, you mean?)

No pimp, not my dom(inatrix). Besides, you could never be a "top" ;)

Now reach across your body with your right hand and backslap me across the face. See? Now you're a pimp.

Happy Holidays!

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