Friday, June 26, 2009

::BREATHES:: I am not good at "playing it cool." Some people were born with the ability; not me. But I *have* to right now if I don't want to scare her away; turn her off. Because right now I have her engaged; ignited, and if I don't dial it down a notch I will smother our fire.

Some details:
Her name is Elise. She is 25. And she has completely captivated me.

I am NOT good at playing it cool.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


I'm at it again. You know...the falling head over heels business. She finds me "captivating" and is Upstate this weekend picking strawberries, and making homemade jam with her dad. She couldn't be cuter. Equal parts rockstar and delicate cosmic flower. And I'm a smitten kitten :)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Out beyond ideas
of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field.

I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down
in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language
- even the phrase "each other" -
do not make any sense.

The last couple months have been trying, to say the least. I have felt an overwhelming feeling of feeling underwhelmed by life. And for the last 2 weeks I have been trying to pull myself out of the emotional quicksand; struggling all the while and having to actively remind myself to "relax."

The negative:
I fell...hard. And had my heart broken.

The positive:
It's been broken before...and far worse. I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be...

I am proactively trying to move forward, pick up the pieces, and remind myself that I am a beautiful person, and that any woman would be lucky to have me. The constant reminding is difficult, but necessary.

Today's Tao --
35 (excerpts)

She who is centered
can go where she wishes, without danger.
She perceives the universal harmony,
even amid great pain,
because she has found peace in her heart.

Music or the smell of good cooking
may make people stop and enjoy...
But words seem monotonous
and without flavor.
When you look for it, there is nothing to see.
When you listen for it, there is nothing to hear.
When you use it, it is inexhaustible.

* * * * *

I miss her, but I will be okay. I love her, and find strength in knowing she, too, loves me. I shall take my leave with grace and poise so as not to exhaust the memory of what we shared. And I will will myself to move forward, despite feeling as though it is a journey upstream. After all, what isn't?