Call me!

::BREATHES:: I am not good at "playing it cool." Some people were born with the ability; not me. But I *have* to right now if I don't want to scare her away; turn her off. Because right now I have her engaged; ignited, and if I don't dial it down a notch I will smother our fire.

Some details:
Her name is Elise. She is 25. And she has completely captivated me.

I am NOT good at playing it cool.

::LE SIGH::

I'm at it again. You know...the falling head over heels business. She finds me "captivating" and is Upstate this weekend picking strawberries, and making homemade jam with her dad. She couldn't be cuter. Equal parts rockstar and delicate cosmic flower. And I'm a smitten kitten :)

Out beyond ideas
of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field.

I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down
in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language
- even the phrase "each other" -
do not make any sense.

-Rumi

The last couple months have been trying, to say the least. I have felt an overwhelming feeling of feeling underwhelmed by life. And for the last 2 weeks I have been trying to pull myself out of the emotional quicksand; struggling all the while and having to actively remind myself to "relax."

The negative:
I fell...hard. And had my heart broken.

The positive:
It's been broken before...and far worse. I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be...

I am proactively trying to move forward, pick up the pieces, and remind myself that I am a beautiful person, and that any woman would be lucky to have me. The constant reminding is difficult, but necessary.

Today's Tao --
35 (excerpts)

She who is centered
can go where she wishes, without danger.
She perceives the universal harmony,
even amid great pain,
because she has found peace in her heart.

Music or the smell of good cooking
may make people stop and enjoy...
But words seem monotonous
and without flavor.
When you look for it, there is nothing to see.
When you listen for it, there is nothing to hear.
When you use it, it is inexhaustible.

* * * * *

I miss her, but I will be okay. I love her, and find strength in knowing she, too, loves me. I shall take my leave with grace and poise so as not to exhaust the memory of what we shared. And I will will myself to move forward, despite feeling as though it is a journey upstream. After all, what isn't?

I've had my fair share...but it has never been due to "bad timing." This one aches a sort of long, squeezing throb, as supposed to the usual sharp lightening pain that I've come to know as heartbreak.

She will leave for California in 6 months, and I will know that there was nothing I could have done or said to change things. Life is, after all, full of unexpected turbulences that are, let's face it, out of our control. But I can't help but take this personally despite her pleading with me not to. It becomes personal when one's feelings get hurt. And my feelings are, indeed, hurt.

I can't help but think about previous relationships, past lovers, former heartaches. I know "this, too, shall pass" but right now I am wading in it; kicking my feet as fast and hard as they will go in an attempt not to sink. Have you ever looked at a duck on a pond? I mean *really* looked? On the surface they are as calm as can be. But just beneath the surface their legs of flailing as fast as they can to keep them afloat.

I can certainly empathize.

I have said many times before that my heart must have been built the wrong way for me to experience as much pain as I do. But in thinking about this a little further, I think my heart *had* to be built this way. "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."