Sunday, May 31, 2009

I've had my fair share...but it has never been due to "bad timing." This one aches a sort of long, squeezing throb, as supposed to the usual sharp lightening pain that I've come to know as heartbreak.

She will leave for California in 6 months, and I will know that there was nothing I could have done or said to change things. Life is, after all, full of unexpected turbulences that are, let's face it, out of our control. But I can't help but take this personally despite her pleading with me not to. It becomes personal when one's feelings get hurt. And my feelings are, indeed, hurt.

I can't help but think about previous relationships, past lovers, former heartaches. I know "this, too, shall pass" but right now I am wading in it; kicking my feet as fast and hard as they will go in an attempt not to sink. Have you ever looked at a duck on a pond? I mean *really* looked? On the surface they are as calm as can be. But just beneath the surface their legs of flailing as fast as they can to keep them afloat.

I can certainly empathize.

I have said many times before that my heart must have been built the wrong way for me to experience as much pain as I do. But in thinking about this a little further, I think my heart *had* to be built this way. "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."